HOW TO NOT DIE AT SOUTH BY SOUTHWEST

I spent spring break with 10 of my friends in Austin at SXSW. It was great. Official tickets cost like 800 bucks so we definitely didn’t do that. Instead, we RSVP’d to a fuckload of parties and saw a bunch of music and drank a lot for mostly free! Here’s a few tips on how to pull it off.

1. SPEND AS LITTLE MONEY AS POSSIBLE

There is SO MUCH free shit in Austin. Oh my god. It’s nearly impossible to walk more than a block or two during SXSW without someone trying to give you something for free. All of the biggest parties have all kinds of free alcohol and it’s usually unlimited. Start-ups will give you free tacos if you download their dumbass app and you can delete it 30 seconds later (although some of them are cool, I guess). I got a free massage!!! The masseuse accidentally stole my sunglasses, but whatever, I was limber. There are bunches of twitter accounts that you can follow that post all the free shit going on throughout the week. They’re all pretty douchey but they tell you where to get free booze so yolo. I probably spent 60 bucks collectively all week on booze and that’s literally unheard of. My bar tabs for a night are more than that if i’m feeling generous. Then spend all the money you’re saving on booze on accommodations because sharing a one bedroom apartment with ten other people for a week is not unlike sleeping inside dirty underwear. It’s hot, sweaty and it smells like balls. That being said…

2. STAY CLOSE TO DOWNTOWN

It’s pretty easy to find someplace to stay. AirBnB is great for renting an apartment or something and it’s pretty nice to have a little kitchen. If you’re planning way out and rolling in dough, stay in a hotel downtown. We stayed a few miles from downtown and the bike ride at 3 AM after all that free booze was kind of prohibitive. We took a lot of cabs. While that might seem glamorous and cosmopolitan to you country bumpkins, it’s really not that great.

3. RSVP TO EVERYTHING

There is so much going on during SXSW that it’s impossible to go to even half of all the stuff you want to go to. Despite that, RSVP to everything you want to go to. RSVPs aren’t as important for smaller stuff but for the big stuff like Fader Fort and Hype Hotel it’s essential, and it’s always better to be safe than sorry. There’s great websites to find stuff like Show List Austin, Do 512, and lurk your favorite artists on the internet because a lot of them post their schedules. Record labels and booking agents host stuff too so check them out. And let me reiterate, RSVP = free shit. Usually shitty beer but it’s better than paying 5 bucks for a PBR.

4. IF THERE’S SOMETHING YOU REALLY WANT TO GO TO, JUST PAY FOR IT

Blah blah free stuff is great, and it might seem like I’m contradicting myself, but if there’s something that you’re absolutely dying to go to then just buy a ticket to it. We went on a cruise of the river with Kingdom, Bok Bok, Machinedrum, Jimmy Edgar, Nick Hook, Jubilee and free tequila and Red Stripe and it was the best thing that’s ever happened to me. Like, Top 5 parties of all time, I’ve never been happier, my life is complete. It was 30 bucks and worth every penny. And when they ran out of ice on the boat the bartender gave me a free shot of tequila “to make up for it”. What? IDK, but it was awesome.

5. DON’T BURN OUT

We flew down on Sunday and music doesn’t really get cranked up until Tuesday/Wednesday. I guess the theory was that we wanted to maximize our break and get the fuck out of Chapel Hill but holy god that was unnecessary. We kind of went way too hard the first few days we were there so that by the time music got started we were already at depleted energy levels. By the end of the week we were literally too exhausted to function. I almost passed out riding back from a show on Saturday, like actually blurred vision and almost passed out. So save your energy for the stuff you really want to go to cuz I missed some of the best parties of the week on Saturday night. If you mention Fade to Mind or Night Slugs or Boiler Room around me for the next month I will kill you. On that note, don’t forget to eat and drink water. The booze is appealing but the water is just as free so keep yr hydration game on point. Pace yourself. Eat some vegetables. People cannot survive on carbs alone

6. DO RANDOM SHIT

If you have a spare moment (you won’t) or you’ve already seen the band you’re about to see three times, go do something weird. I went to a show with a colleague and ended up staying for the next band on a whim and like, fell in love with this band San Cisco. They’re some twee ass little hipsters from Australia and everyone knows I’m a sucker for an accent. Plus they’re really cute. It’s some harmless ass pop that can warm even my cold and bitter heart so you’ll probably go apeshit. OMG.

So that’s how I lived through a week in Austin. It was great. I was kind of gunning to meet my future husband but it didn’t happen. Hopefully I’ll get a job. Here’s a gratuitous picture of me shot by some dude for Noisey which is Vice’s music thing. I look like shit and i’m really sunburned. The caption on the photo was “Darby”. IDK

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PEACE AND BLESSINGS ~~~~

“ONE MAN’S TRASH IS ANOTHER MAN’S TV”

For my next post I’m bringing y’all a collaborative work created by me and queen bitch Kat St. Kat circa Feb. 2012 when I was “studying abroad” in London. I had probably just eaten a fuckload of sausages (no literally, I ate so much sausage in London) and she was still wasting away in Carrboro (she has since moved on to bigger and better things in New York City which you can read all about here: http://www.thefabdisaster.com). Without further ado I present:

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REALITY DUMPSTERVISION: A COMPREHENSIVE LIST

BY REID KUTROW AND KAT ST. KAT

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KOURTNEY AND KIM TAKE A DUMPSTER
REAL HOUSEWIVES OF A DUMPSTER
A SHOT AT A DUMPSTER WITH TILA TEQUILA
DUMPSTER OF LOVE
I LOVE THE DUMPSTER STRIKES BACK
THE REAL WORLD: DUMPSTER
DUMPSTER SWAP
THE CROCODILE DUMPSTER
TRADING DUMPSTERS
SURVIVOR: REDEMPTION DUMPSTER
WHAT NOT TO WEAR IN A DUMPSTER
HOW DO I LOOK IN A DUMPSTER
EXTREME MAKEOVER: DUMPSTER EDITION
TRUE LIFE: I’M IN A DUMPSTER
WHO WANTS TO BE IN A DUMPSTER
MADE: I WANNA BE IN A DUMPSTER
DATE MY DUMPSTER
DOG THE DUMPSTER HUNTER
INTERVENTION: ADDICTED TO DUMPSTERS
CELEBRITY REHAB WITH DR. DUMPSTER
CELEBRITY DUMPSTER CLUB
THE BAD GIRLS’ DUMPSTER
PROJECT DUMPSTER
DUMPSTER ACADEMY
JANICE DICKINSON MODELING DUMPSTER
AMERICA’S NEXT TOP DUMPSTER
THE DUMPSTER LIFE
DUMPSTER KNOWS BEST
MY BIG FAT OBNOXIOUS DUMPSTER
DUMPSTERZILLAS
GENE SIMMONS: FAMILY DUMPSTER
ICE AND DUMPSTER
RUN’S DUMPSTER
SO YA THINK YOU’RE A DUMPSTER
DUMPSTERS WITH THE STARS
MY SUPER DUMPSTER 16
KIMORA: LIFE IN A DUMPSTER
CANDID DUMPSTER
DUMPSTER’D
DUMPSTER PREP
DUMPSTER IDOL
DUMPSTERS AND TIARAS
AMERICA’S GOT DUMPSTERS
THE DUMPSTER DIARIES
DUMPSTER CHEF
MAKING THE DUMPSTER
I WANNA WORK FOR A DUMPSTER
AMERICA’S BEST DUMPSTER CREW
I WANT A FAMOUS DUMPSTER
MTV’S DUMPSTER DIARY
17 DUMPSTERS AND COUNTING
JON AND KATE PLUS 8 DUMPSTERS
THE DUMPSTER WHISPERER
DUMPSTER MANOR
ROB DYRDEK’S DUMPSTER FACTORY
D.U.M.P.S.T.E.R.S
DUMPSTER BEACH
DUMPSTERS ON ICE
DEADLIEST DUMPSTER
ICE ROAD DUMPSTERS
DUMPSTER INK
DUMPSTER SHORE
DUMPSTER OR NO DUMPSTER
TEEN DUMPSTER
TRUTH OR DUMPSTER
WHOSE DUMPSTER IS IT ANYWAY
MEET THE DUMPSTERS
THE SURREAL DUMPSTER
THE ANNA NICOLE DUMPSTER
TEMPTATION DUMPSTER
THE DUMPSTERS NEXT DOOR
DUMPSTER CAMP
DINNERS, DRIVE-INS AND DUMPSTERS
THE DUMPSTERETTE
DUMPSTER RAIDERS
DUMPSTER 911
ANTHONY BOURDAIN: NO DUMPSTERS
QUEER EYE FOR THE DUMPSTER GUY
DUMPSTER BOSS
IRON DUMPSTER
DUMPSTER WARS
ACE OF DUMPSTERS
DUMPSTER 90210
FOR THE LOVE OF A DUMPSTER
LOCKED UP: IN A DUMPSTER
TO CATCH A DUMPSTER
PIMP MY DUMPSTER
SAY YES TO THE DUMPSTER
ELIMIDUMPSTER
WHO WANTS TO MARRY A DUMPSTER
MYTHDUMPSTERS
JUDGE DUMPSTER
SORORITY DUMPSTER
DUMPSTER SCHOOL WITH RICKI LAKE
TABITHA’S DUMPSTER TAKEOVER
PARANORMAL DUMPSTERS
NEWLYWEDS: NICK AND A DUMPSTER
GHOST DUMPSTERERS
ROCK OF DUMPSTERS WITH BRETT MICHAELS
MY FAIR DUMPSTER
BRITNEY AND KEVIN: IN A DUMPSTER
I MARRIED A DUMPSTER
BOILING DUMPSTERS
RU PAUL’S DUMPSTER RACE
DUMPSTER WIVES
JOE DUMPSTER
THE WEAKEST DUMPSTER
LAPD: LIFE IN A DUMPSTER
NAME THAT DUMPSTER
THE AMAZING DUMPSTER
THE DUMPSTER IS RIGHT
LEGENDS OF THE HIDDEN DUMPSTER
DUMPSTER OF FORTUNE
DUMPSTER FEUD
DUMPSTER SQUARES
DUMPSTER TACTICS
AMERICA’S FUNNIEST HOME DUMPSTERS
THE BENEDUMPSTER
DUMPSTERS SAY THE DARNDEST THINGS
BEAUTY AND THE DUMPSTER
TIL DEATH DO US DUMPSTER
FLIPPING DUMPSTER
THE DUMPSTER EXPERIMENT
LAST DUMPSTER STANDING
REAL WORLD/ROAD RULES DUMPSTER
DUMPSTER LOVE’S MONEY
HELL’S DUMPSTER
DUMPSTER QUEENS
E TRUE HOLLYWOOD DUMPSTER
SNAPPED: MOTHERS WHO DUMPSTER

WOW BLOGS ARE STUPID

Well y’all, I guess I have a blog now. I’m really not into blogs. I’ve like tried to have a blog before (xanga, livejournal, myspace, tumblr, etc.) but like, it hasn’t ever really worked out. But 18th time is the charm AMIRITE?! 

So here we go I guess. For my first blog post I’ll be doing a HOT OR NOT list so you can all get to know a little bit about me~~~~

HOT

DIS Image Studio

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DIS is a “post-Internet lifestyle publication about art, fashion and commerce”. Basically, it’s an online magazine that puts everything you’re supposed to love into contexts that make you feel incredibly uncomfortable. Sometimes it’s social commentary and sometimes it’s just cuz. For the month of February, they’ve taken over Suzanne Geiss Co., a gallery in downtown Manhattan, to create what they’re calling “new stock options”. Stock photography is simultaneous hilarious and really unsettling, and it seems to have informed a lot of DIS’ work. This seems like a natural extension of the video DIS made in collaboration with French fashion house Kenzo for their F/W 2012 menswear collection (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZfE4bFsSHzU). Whatever, big ups DIS, keep the internet weird.

NOT

The Bonnaroo Lineup

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You’re kidding, right? To be fair, Bonnaroo hasn’t been that cool since 2006 (when I went lol, but really, that was the last good year) and it just keeps going downhill. But damn, new low. I would pay to see like nine of these bands and I’ve already seen like seven of those nine. I’m probably biased because I generally dislike music festivals and I listen to music that should really exclusively be enjoyed in a pitch black room in Europe but, whatever, I’m still allowed to think this sucks. Mumford & Sons is the worst (still bitter they beat Frank at the Grammys) and Daniel Tosh is a sexist idiot.

HOT

Audre Lorde

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For those of you who don’t know know, Audre Lorde’s 79th birthday would have been this Monday. Lorde was a badass black lesbian feminist poet active from the 60s until her death in 1992. She battled the fuck out of cancer and pioneered the feminist theory we now call intersectionality, which examines the many dimensions of oppression. She was a remarkable woman who achieved great things for feminism, especially for queer people of color. RIP and happy birthday. 

NOT

Harlem Shake Videos

WOW CULTURAL APPROPRIATION. The Baauer track Harlem Shake has been catching a lot of press lately because people have started making videos something something blah blah it’s a meme. The original track is hot and I’ve been playing it for months but the real issue here is that no one in these videos is doing the actual Harlem Shake, a dance that’s been around since the early 80s and originated with Harlem. Apparently it comes from an Ethiopian dance called the “Eskista” (Thanks Wikipedia!), but either way, as you can see in the video above, the folks in Harlem aren’t really into what’s been going on with this recent virality. Knock it off, y’all. (Disclaimer: I was in one of these videos, I didn’t have a choice, it was for class and my professor would’ve failed me if I hadn’t done it)

So there’s that. I expect HOT OR NOT might be a regular occurrence but maybe not. IDK. Stay tooned.